Thursday, April 10, 2014

A year since the split

I began writing a blog post about being a teacher again, cooking, and other boring mundane stuff, and I deleted it all. It wasn’t interesting. I wouldn’t want to read it. There was nothing worth writing about. I tried to think about an interesting aspect of my life to add to this blog, since I’m trying to do at least one post a month, and I realized that today was exactly one year from when I split up with the girl I was married to.

It’s a little taboo to talk about divorce/breakups/splits over social media. I had a goal from the day we split that I would not write anything I would regret over social media about the whole thing. I did well to reach my goal, mostly. I had a few moments where I wanted to pour my angst out over facebook in the beginning, but my friends Matt and Clayton kept me in check and reminded me about the kind of person I wanted to be.

The one thing I did do was write a blog post, mostly to quell the curiosity of my friends who wondered why everything happened. I thought a simple post would serve well to keep people from pounding me with questions, and I think it did. The post was fairly simple, with not many details, but a statement of my hopes for the future. I just reread it a minute ago, and I still like it. I think the words were right for the time. Heck, it was even trying to show empathy to her.

I’m not planning on going into more details now, or ever. Not over social media. But, I thought I would give an update to that blog post, since it quickly became my most-viewed post all-time. I want to write about it because it’s obvious that my friends were concerned for me at the time, and I wanted to update in a more substantial way than a facebook status update. I am going to try and hurdle the taboo aspect of it, since my life experience might help you if you ever get forced into this situation. I haven’t talked about it much, so really it might be nice to just freewrite on it, now that an entire year has gone by.

So, my update is this: I’m happier now than I have ever, ever been.

I want to be honest about something. I do hold anger about what happened. You know that feeling where you’ve been greatly wronged by someone and you wish you could just yell and yell at someone, perfectly spouting all the right words? I have that, packed away somewhere inside me. I also carry embarrassment for putting my friends and family through a wedding, and that I put them through a marriage that was destined to not be much better than a Britney Spears’ marriage. That may sound crude but I’m trying to be honest. I am not proud of those feelings. I don’t feel them often, but I do feel them sometimes.

I have those feelings in the pit of my mind, yet the person I am is still overwhelmingly happy. Life, all in all, is better than it was, perhaps better than it has ever been. I have hardly thought about my split up since returning to Belleville, truly. I haven’t talked about it with people much because I haven’t thought about it much. Because I was in Seattle and then returned to Belleville, it never felt like I was going through a breakup/divorce. Seattle was another world, an alternate universe, and my troubles stayed there. The end of my marriage felt more like a TV sitcom rerun that I had once watched, and I only realized that I was a cast member when someone would occasionally ask me what happened.

And the first half of the year-long span of time was spent constantly being surrounded by friends and people, so I didn’t really get a chance to feel alone. January of this year was a harder month, since I had just gone through a traumatic experience (not related to the breakup) and the two friends I had been hanging out with moved far away, so I was missing companionship.

But that all quickly melted as the snow did, and I’m feeling better than ever. Really, my life is just working on my book and teaching at the moment. It’s nice to be on a teacher’s schedule again, which means that I have SPRING BREAK next week! Party! I’m excited.

I guess that’s all I care to say, really. Having just reread this, I don’t really say all that much. Certainly not the juicy, gossip-worthy topics, sorry to tell you. I guess the takeaway is that I’m fine, and I have been fine. I hold a little anger but I haven’t felt any pain. I have hardly even thought about it, to be honest. Most of the promises I made to myself in that previous blog post have come true, to which I am thankful and fortunate. Right now, I’m more focused on the future, and I am happy about my life and the direction my life is going in.

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